I’ve always worked better under stress, but not mom stress! Not even close! The stress as a mom is debilitating! Sometimes it stops me in my tracks. That means that I completely shut down and hand everything over to my husband so I can close the world out. I’m lucky I have that option right now … but,
It is NOT a good coping mechanism.
I am actually doing better with it now, but when I happen upon a day or two, or three, of overwhelming tension, well, I suppose it sets me right back to that very scary place.
As a woman we are already carrying such a heavy hormonal load, and with that comes stress, but add to that pregnancy, aging, and family and we are in the throes of a treacherous hormonal stress storm. I had my babies later in life, so it was a double whammy of hellish symptoms. On top of that my thyroid was failing, and failing hard! What a gift! Then I had my second child and I got a lovely dose of postpartum depression and anxiety, just to sweeten the pot. Stress was almost impossible to handle, I say almost, but it felt impossible. I suppose I did it, but not well. Because of that I harbor a tremendous amount of guilt, and to this day when I feel my patience slipping I have guilt that is overwhelming, like the stress and hormonal shifts are not enough torture. I suppose, if I am trying to be an optimist, the guilt is a good thing. Maybe it keeps us in check and helps to move us towards healing. Maybe it pushes us to fight harder for peace and patience, that’s all I really want is to be able to wake in the morning feeling peaceful and go about my day, enjoying the moments and time with my babies. People always tell you to enjoy this time, that is passes so fast, and they are so right, but sometimes the enjoyment is hard to come by and then the guilt of knowing that you have limited time to enjoy these babies and that this is your job and you’re suppose to love it fully and without resentment or longing for that stress you thought was stressful before children. Good grief! We are supposed to be super human, all that and we need to age like Benjamin Button. It’s exhausting to be a woman and stressful to even think about!
So for today, I am going to take a deep breath, let it out, and fake it till I make it, because today my children don’t know I am stressed, and I suppose that is a step in the right direction – no guilt today!